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April 22, 2005

All Stuffed Up

Look people, I take a little time off and the French start handing us our hats...
French blogs
Today, we center around the venerable mouth. The item we use to communicate, intake sustenance, kiss (make love), and hold contraband -- shout out to all the homies in cell block D -- OK folks, that was a joke -- but let's get back to the topic. The mouth is an amazing thing. It can do so much, and when not in use, like all important things, it should be put away (in the mouth's case, closed) Let's talk about mouth breathers.

KwakuÕs dictionary describes a mouth breather as a man or woman --usually men -- who breathe continually through their mouths. These are the people who violate this most basic of rules -- when not in use your mouth should be fully and soundly shut. I do not want to hear your Darth Vadar impression, or be forced to look into your skull -- thatÕs yours, you keep it. People, this is not cool. I do not remember peer pressure to hang out with my mouth open. It makes you look like a complete and total RUBBE. I do not know how many extra muscles it takes to close your trap when it's not in use, but find them and use them. Please join us in the 21st century.

We have all been there, panting hard after working out or running, and on that one in five billion inhales you get a piece of flotsam or jetsam (OK, an insect) in your MOUTH. No matter how fast you spit it out, it was still in there. And you know what flyÕs eat -- this is so far beyond the shitty kiss -- it's disgusting, but you learn not to leave your mouth open unless it is absolutely necessary. Why have these people not realized this? From the shear number of hours they have had their mouths open and been inhaling, they must have caught all kinds of things in there -- gnats, flies, old tires- when are they gong to learn this kind of conduct is indicative of the shallow end of the gene pool? How many bugs must you eat before you get tired or fed up?

What brought us here you ask?

During the time that I was sick and stuffed up, I could not breathe through my nose at all. This necessitated that I slightly open my mouth to breathe. Yep, for half the week I became a mouth breather. And after living as the other half, I can tell you that there are no benefits, and for that half a week I wanted to wear one of those Michael Jackson hospital masks so that I wouldn't inhale something weird.

Can that many people be stuffed up year round? I know your grandmother told you this, but now I am too: Close your mouth unless you are trying to catch flies.

Posted by Kwaku at April 22, 2005 12:09 PM

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