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April 25, 2005

Digit-al Dilemma

While sleeping soundly in an attempt to recuperate from this horrible illness, I happened to wake up and look over at the television, which had been keeping me company. I found myself smack dab in the middle of a court-type show -- you know the ones where they pick the most ridiculous people to fight over the most ridiculous of circumstances, all while the judge-figure is not so much getting to the heart of the matter as digging for the best stupidity-laden sound byte. I try to avoid these things, but they are everywhere. After trying in vain to reach the remote--it was out of arm's distance and that is where it was going to stay. I swear I should teach my dog to fetch the remote.

The litigants in these cases are about as sharp as a bag of wet bricks and just love telling the judge everything about their personal lives. And through the bickering I heard it -- the term that has begun to become part of the American lexicon. It is a new term, but it has become ubiquitous on the American airwaves:WHEN I GET MY SETTLEMENT. Yep, that's it.

Think about how many times you heard this statement five years ago, now two years ago, and now today. It is everywhere. There are so many people suing other people that the promise of the golden goose has been replaced by the settlement check. This is simply wrong. Law suits are for people that have been seriously injured or wronged by an individual or corporation. They are not so you can get a settlement that will allow you to make your trailer home a double wide. OK, I know that was hitting below the belt. If you did not like it, you can sue me, but the most important things that I own are my knowledge of technology, smart ass wit, and my dog. None of these can pay for the down payment on a house without wheels, or else I would own one.

In a particularly strange twist, one woman had actually gotten her settlement check-- it was a slip and fall thing-- but did not want to give a penny to the neighbor woman who had financially helped her out. She tried to hide the fact that she had gotten the money while she was installing a pool. How the hell do you hide a pool? She told the curious neighbor that she had gotten a lot back from her taxes. Now I earn an OK wage down here in the mines, but I have never gotten enough back to even begin to think about putting in a pool. The closest I got was last year. I got a better stopper for the tub. It's like a pool in that you can put on goggles and hold your breath under the water. It's just that your knees won't get wet. Proving that all things are cyclical, the first woman (who was hiding the pool) said that the other woman did not really need the money since it was a windfall (this is my word not hers) from her own settlement. The whole thing smacked of a cul-de-sac community, inhabited by neck-brace-wearing-teach-each-other-how-to-fake-a-good-back-injury types. Maybe this is why tornadoes only hit trailer parks. OK, from now on ALL punches above the belt, I promise.

It is the dream of the payout that makes some people go insane. When did work become a four-letter word and we become a society on the shrift? I love a good movie about conmen as much as the next guy, but this way of life is not what we should strive for or live by. What happened to the stalwart scenario of bumping off a relative for the inheritance? Oh, I forgot--they have to be rich to be worth bumping off.

Take the woman who put a human finger in her chili. Now hold on, I will say it again, she put a HUMAN FINGER in her chili.
CBS News | Chili Finger Origin A Mystery |
Urban Legends Reference Pages
Fun Link

This woman was looking to bilk the Wendy's corporation out of a lot of money. You know how people have an aversion to cannibalism? I bet this woman put a lot of time and effort in to this scheme. After all, do you know how hard it must be to get a human finger, even part of one? I would have no idea where to begin on my search. Can you google that? So the woman is now caught and will face jail time. Yet, have we really reached to the bottom of the barrel? Why would someone go to such lengths for the settlement check? I would love to see the list of things she thought of putting in the chili first. I guess the old roach was just not good enough. She wanted something with a little more panache. I would like to see a time come when we can banish this term from our lexicon, but then how would people who have really been wronged get restitution?
One last thought:

WHERE DID SHE GET A HUMAN FINGER? It's going to keep me up at night.

Posted by Kwaku at April 25, 2005 12:37 PM

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Posted by: Kwaku at May 1, 2005 10:02 PM

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