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April 6, 2005

Hot times, summer in... you know the rest.

If turnabout is fair play, ladies, the spotlight is on you today. Summer time faux pas are not just for men. Let us start with the illusion department. As stated before, I am willing to buy most people's illusions if they present them effectively. Women, you all love the open-toe look in the summer, it is so free and liberating. Me -- I feel strange having my uncovered skin 1/2 an inch away from subway grime -- but that's just me. If you're going to be free and liberated, letÕs prep for the part.

Fist things first -- trim the toenails and fix the surrounding cuticle area. LOTION your feet. Black women: It should not look like you have been kicking flour. And White women: I am not stupid -- painting the big toe with a fresh coat of polish does not excuse the other four piggies. Most of these problems can be fixed with a pedicure. If that is too expensive a little upkeep goes a long way.

OK, on to pants, shorts, or what have you. If you have to inhale more then once -- they are too tight. They may have fit at one time, but they don't now. Give it up. -- lest you be referred to as having the digit of the dromedary.

Tops. There is really only one big mistake here: Wearing the old scoop-neck top that has given up the ghost two summers ago but you insist it can recapture itÕs glory days. The one that is so loose that you have to constantly pull it up so that you don't expose yourself.

To the lady on the train last year: I was not looking down your top, but after the tenth time of seeing some kind of movement off to the left, I looked over -- smack dab into your boobies just as you were looking up. Shenanigans. I call this entrapment, and if the cops cannot do it well neither can you.

Underarm hair. I would say stick with the guidelines for guys. If you do not want to shave, you do not have to; just keep the hedges trimmed.

Let us now talk about a very delicate topic. I will approach it like I approach all sensitive topics -- like a bull in a china shop wearing a plastic squirting flower.

Bras. I know that they told you about them in that special meeting they pulled you out of gym class for, but that was years ago. Let me provide a modern refresher. If you are over 25 and blessed with more than a B cup, a bra is not optional summer time attire.

And last but not least, baby powder. I know itÕs hot and sometimes a little baby powder on the damper areas helps, but do not apply it on the train. And you have used far too much when it looks like you took a beat down from the Pillsbury dough boy.

Follow these helpful hints and we can all have a great summer.

Posted by Kwaku at April 6, 2005 5:26 PM

Comments

Posted by: Embrownny at April 7, 2005 3:05 PM

Posted by: Kwaku at April 22, 2005 12:25 PM

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