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July 18, 2005

I think I just snapped.

Hey folks, Sorry for the lack of posts. I have been doing the most dreaded of all tasks: MOVING. It is a torture that I would not wish on my worst enemy. OK--maybe just once.

I spent the weekend tackling my computer closet--the place where I store old computers and parts. I swear that closet was like a nightmarish clown car. I kept pulling out stuff and then there was more stuff behind it; older and older computers the further I went back. I swear I found a Commodore 64 in there. For those of you who are not techno savvy the C 64 is one of the first mass-produced home computers. In today’s world it has about as much computing muscle as a Pez dispenser. There was a lot of crap in there that I promised I was going to use one day. Why the hell do I need a respirating saw? I live in an apartment. Well I have used the stuff to annoy myself and to make the world I live in a little more cluttered.

I REALLY hate moving. I mean the kind of hate where you hope your home owner's insurance is paid up so you can just light the place up and start over in another locale. I know it's illegal but it's just a thought; powerful though it may be. If it was not for the fact that you get to go to a new place, I would think moving was torture. And at the age I am now, none of my “friends” are going to help. So I am getting a moving company to do it. I think I got a fair deal-- it was several hundred dollars and one kidney. I talked them down from a lung.

I have decided that moving really is a punishment of some sort. I think it should be left to criminals. Yep I said it. The government should get rid of most of the jails and let a majority of the nonviolent criminals go and make them move you. It would be like a modified parole where criminals had to move people on the weekends --make it all week. Two years of that and I guarantee they will not want to go back to their nefarious ways.

Don't think I forgot about the white-collar criminals. They need punishment too. They can do the packing. ALL of it. I want ex WorldCom exec Bernard Ebbers to wash and dust my dog's squeaky toys and pack them in order of her preference--don’t put her quacking duck in the bottom of the box--it must be right on top when the box is opened. I want him and others like him to fold my skivvies and sweep up the three-year-old dust bunnies the size of Cadillacs from behind the refrigerator. Anyone seen new Jack City? I want these gifting CEO’s to have to do this all in their tidy-whities. Why in their underwear, THEY'RE THIEVES --they might steal something.

Then I want them to come to the new place to unpack. And not that kind of unpacking that they just throw your stuff down and leave. NO, I want them unpacking each box, cutting it and folding it for recycling - because I care about the environment. And I want them to do that BS shuffle your girlfriend or wife always makes you do: "Can you move it there...ok how about there? No--I liked it better there. But let’s be really crazy and just try it over there." And I would say "Sure, be crazy, it's not my hump your busting."

This is my little slice of utopia, my little piece of heaven: For those 6 months Martha stewart will cook and clean for people. I want her to make the first meal in my new home. You know, the one where you have pizza on top of boxes to the glow of the only lamp with a light bulb that survived the move. But first, she would have to find the box with the FOOD IN IT. I want a five-couse meal made from canned goods. Sorry folks, the moving is getting to me. I have no idea how nomadic people did it. I would have been the cave man that pleaded with the others to stay at the current cave: "So what? The bison have gone. Let’s just make Ugg the pelt thief sweep it up and paint something on the walls and it’ll be fine."

So to sum up, jail is bad. Parole, where convicts have to move you: good. Martha Stewart cleaning the old place so I can get my security deposit: better. WorldCom CEO in white t-shirt and tighty-whities alphabetizing my DVD collection and packing my ties by color: priceless.

Posted by Kwaku at July 18, 2005 05:43 PM

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Comments

kwaku,

is your displeasure for moving something recent?

or did it resonate with you 'back in the day' when trudging to and from the top of a five-story walk-up?

if the latter, i sympathize and know from whence you speak. instead of bernard ebbers, i could have demanded the not so dearly departed 'tricky dick' nixon to do the trudgin'.

btw, nomads moved, but they did not carry very much when moving. if they were to carry much, they would not be nomads. they would have stayed put or left the bulk of their items behind, neither of which, i gather, appears to be an option available to you.

take care.

Posted by: frank at July 21, 2005 10:02 AM

Frank,

Thanks for the comment. As always, I admire your insightfulness and wit. I think the dislike for moving has crept up on me; with age I have accumulated items of sentimental value that do not lend themselves to being easily repurchased. In my earlier more nomadic years I could fit all of my stuff in a full-size car. Now alone I can pack a 22-foot truck. During this last move they sent a truck that was too small and I had to do some paring down on the spot. Oh and about the nomads-- they did not have to carry much since pointy sticks…well grow on trees. If I could find a tree that beared fruit that were apple G5 computers I would have left the others behind.

Lades and gents,

I would like to introduce you to Frank. He is my father--adopted father that is. I hear the wheels churning: “Kwaku I did not know that you were adopted.” I am not, I adopted him. Before you call shenanigans let me explain. Adoptions are affairs of the heart (not that kind). Frank has been a mentor to me since I was 17 or so. He is the person that I most strive to emulate. Since my father died when I was young and Frank does not have a son, I figured it was a match made in heaven.

Posted by: Kwaku at July 26, 2005 12:58 PM

no need to post this...this was just a nice story. sorry you had to move...and this was so long ago, i'm hoping you understand now that the pain that comes with moving is just growth, and beautiful even in it's insanity/ah but irreprehensive old Martha Stewart-having to cook for your first night's meal. would you be nice to her if she fucked up the fried chicken? lol

Posted by: kaylee at October 16, 2007 10:56 PM

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