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October 31, 2005

Halloween's up Ho's down.

So here we are at another holiday, Halloween. I remember loving this holiday. I would get dressed up and go from door to door, trick or treating. This is a totally unique holiday. For kids, candy (sugar) is like crack to them. So it is really like a drug addict going from door to door and begging for crack. Can you imagine:a bunch of junkies walking around, begging to get a fix, and the households stocked with uppers, downers, crack, and whatever else floats the junkie's boat.  Of course all the junkies would come dressed as zombies. Hey sometimes you wear what you got. Well, it's just a thought...

I really want to talk about the costumes. Do you remember dressing up as Dracula or the Wolf Man? How about my favorite--a ghost. I think this is every parent's standby: "Oh my goodness. I forgot to get a costume for my kid. I don't want to damage them for the rest of their lives so I'm willing to sacrifice a bed sheet."

I was a ghost on more than one occasion--once in a blue sheet. (Maybe I was a sad ghost.) Costumes are the fun part of Halloween. They make it worth the above average chance of being hit by a rotten egg while you're out late at night. However, there is a time when you grow out of the costumes and all the joy of the Halloween holiday disappears. It stays gone for several years and you begin to think of Halloween as a bit of a lark just for kids--provided that you have not moved into the thug life of robbing little kids for their candy bags (you bastards). Halloween is also a time when you get to eat all the candy that the kids do not get. What is it with these kids? When I have candy they stay away like I am an ax murderer. When I do not have any candy the little S.O.B.s give me the stink eye like I didn't do my job. Where were you last year when I had to eat two bowls full of candy? Shut up; I had to eat it. Giving handfuls of candy to the kids after Halloween makes you feel like a pedophile.

The Halloween apathy lingers for a few years until on one miraculous day you are invited to a party; not just any party, a Halloween party with costumes. All of a sudden, the holiday receives a new makeover. This new Halloween revival turns the mildest mannered of church mice into street  walkers. Well, maybe it's the costume that does that.

What is the impetus for grown women to turn every costume into a slutty outfit? Raggedy Anne has become Slutty Anne. And an innocent bunny turns into a Playboy bunny. It's amazing. Hell, I like to go sit out on my porch and watch the kids in their costumes escorted by their super hot moms in costume ( I am always like "Wow miss Joan who knew you filled out a French maid's outfit so well?"). Ladies, a pair of devil horns does not make the ho outfit a costume, you have become a ho in horns and fishnets (but go on with your bad self). Some mothers do not even try to fake like they are wearing a costume. They just put on that hot little dress that they never get to wear and walk their kids around the neighborhood in the highest pair of heels they own. In this case, it is not about the candy--it's about the CANDY. I wonder how it is to be a hooker on Halloween when half the women walking around the neighborhood are wearing your outfit. Is this confusing for the Jons? Well, I do not know any of the answers to these questions. Oh, almost forgot. To all you hot mothers or church mice who only need to take your hair out of that bun to be hot, I call the nicest of all shenanigans on you and wish you a happy Halloween.

Don’t believe me? Here is just a sample of the costumes available online, not from a Fredrick’s of Hollywood catalog but in the Halloween costume section of Halloweenmart.com. Ladies, if you have the first outfit on the upper left send pictures.

Posted by Kwaku at October 31, 2005 08:40 AM

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Comments

Posted by: Norah at October 31, 2005 03:34 PM

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Posted by: Embrownny at November 1, 2005 11:14 AM

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