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October 27, 2005

Scaredy Cat

OK ladies and gents. I present to you a post from another longtime E.P. reader, Princess. She obviously carries protection in her purse--the other kind, folks. I once asked this girl to dance at a party and got maced. Now I understand why.

Posted by Princess:

Someone told me that I'm scared of everything. I'm not scared--just a little neurotic. I clearly have a reason to be concerned about boogie men that lie in wait to pull me into a dark corner and hack me to death—or worse. I have proof that the world is a very dangerous and downright deadly place. Here is a partial list (provided by the infallible writers at The Onion) of all the terrible things that can happen to you:

  •  

  • Shirt cuff snags on door latch  
  • Trip on cable and fall to floor with broken ankle
  • Discard bus ticket with tissue
  • Run in stocking
  • Nuclear annihilation of planet
  • Phone system down
  • Glass eye falls out during speech
  • Condom breaks
  • Hairdresser quits
  • Wolverine attacks child
  • Lose $60 at bus stop
  • Fatal heart attack
  • Meat goes bad
  • Floor collapses
  • Gored by moose
  • Fan belt breaks on interstate
  • Mother-in-law hates you
  • Ignored by waiter
  • Check gets lost in mail
  • $2 winning scratch-off washed with pants
  • Get caught in middle of knife fight
  • Humidity makes hair frizzy
  • Cola explodes all over you
  • UPS package isn't for you
  • Neck breaks while clowning around
  • Everyone finds out you're a fraud
  • Leg cramps up in middle of big game
  • Plane gets hijacked
  • Boyfriend's new friend cuter, funnier
  • Oversleep on first day of work
  • Bite inside of cheek while eating sloppy joe
  • Get shortchanged at charity bake sale
  • Mother throws out old stuffed hippo
  • Real mother appears out of nowhere
  • Friends, family learn the truth
  • Drunk tattoo artist uses Dremel instead of needle
  • One of your legs grows four inches
  • Pants stay unzipped all day
  • Batteries in remote control die
  • Toilet paper stuck to shoe when fireman rescues you

© Copyright 2005, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.

 

I'm never leaving my home again.


Posted by Kwaku at October 27, 2005 3:37 PM

Comments

That bite inside the cheek is the worst!

Posted by: Embrownny at November 1, 2005 11:19 AM

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