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November 03, 2005

iPorn

Alright, you have all heard of the new iPod by now (the one that has video playback). Well, to prove to you how depraved we are as a people, as soon as the Video pod had been announced, services popped up pandering porn to it. Before I really get into it, let me tell you about porn. I do not care what you say--it is not all bad. It does not turn all people who watch it into raving sexual predators -- otherwise 80% of the men you know would be in this category. It is titillating visual imagery that has been with us throughout time. Look at the Venus of Willendorf, a statue small enough to fit in the hand.

[It does not seem as if] she ever intended to lie in a supine position. In fact, her most satisfactory, and most satisfying, position is being held in the palm of the hand. When seen under these conditions, she is utterly transformed as a piece of sculpture. As fingers are imagined gripping her rounded adipose masses, she becomes a remarkably sensuous object, her flesh seemingly soft and yielding to the touch.

It's obvious that this researcher needs a girlfriend, but he does have a point. While it may be an object of fertility, it is not so hard to belive that this was borrowed from time to time by a male caveman who, we'll just say, did not need it to help him be fertile. Porn has been around for a long time and it has not destroyed the fabric of our society. I think 25,000 years ago when this object was carved, society, still new to the earth,  had a better chance of derailing than it does now.

This brings us back to portable porn and the market for it. Folks, the cavemen carried their porn with them because there was no 7-11 where they could buy Playboy, and they lacked closets, so they couldn't hide it from their wives. The modern home is full of advances that our predecessors could not have even imagined. And one of them is a place to put your porn. Dude, if you need to carry porn on your iPod you have an issue and you need some help. I mean you really need some help, the kind where you lay on your back and talk to someone about your relationship with your parents. Where the hell are you going to watch it? The train is already a wasteland of hyper audio stimulation filled with the sounds of video games, cell phones played by idiots who have forgotten how to turn down the sound on their game of Tetris, audio overspill from headphones played by people that two years later are going to to be asking you to speak up because they cannot hear you, and the occasional portable DVD player.

Please do not pollute this already crowded landscape with Debbie Does Dallas on your iPod. It is hard enough for me to enjoy my reading while trying to tune out the oh-so-intellectual conversations of the school kids around me. I'll tell you right now that “Nigga, that nigga is a nice nigga” is not a sentence in any language. If I hear a kid say it again I am going to have to show him what a REAL angry nigger is. I do not want now to have to tune out the porn being watched by the passenger next to me. Of all the things I will put up with on the train, a dude getting a stiffy next to me is not going to fly. How pent up are you that you cannot wait until you get home? The only people I can see this possibily being OK for are prisoners that have just been released after 10 years. You, you perv, have only been at work for eight hours. You should know that this is not appropriate for the train. One last time. If you cannot wait 'til you get home, seek help.

Do we all get it? Porn--not inherently bad. People that need to watch it on their iPods--sick, twisted, and really creepy.

A little note to men: Get yourself a porn “buddy.” This is a little invention from the British comedy Coupling. What is a porn buddy? It's a guy who has a key to your apartment and upon finding out that something bad has happened to you, swings into action, goes to your home, and cleans out all the pornographic material that you own. Then, whatever family member has to pack up your apartment will not think that you, the dead guy, is a perv--and the friend gets a new porn library. This is a win-win in my book. I will be accepting applications to fill this position next week.  

Posted by Kwaku at November 3, 2005 11:06 AM

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Comments

Posted by: Ron at November 22, 2005 07:19 PM

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Posted by: Jones at June 17, 2006 10:25 AM

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Posted by: ur mamma at September 20, 2006 03:50 PM

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